Fidelis Paul: Guilt

So, I am sitting in my room and I’m staring at the ceiling. It’s been five solid days since there hasn’t been light. I love my privacy so I refrain from going to my neighbors room when they put on their generators. Despite the disturbance I get from the rattling noises their generators make, I endure. I love my neighbor just as my self ; just  because I hope to make it to heaven . It will be unfair to have suffered on earth and also deny myself the joys of heaven. Suddenly,I hear the flickering sound of my bulb, they restore the light! Ah! Ope oh! Up Nepa! The bulb buzzed for a while and burns out. Even if it means that I’ll have to sleep in darkness again this night, at least, I’ll get to charge my phone. 

My cable subscription has expired. Therefore I am restricted to watching NTA and one other boring station. I choose NTA. It was their usual monotonous shows that was airing. I watch on. At least, I get to learn a new word from the presenter. “Burgeon”. I’ll check that out immediately my phone goes beyond 20%. Sincerely,If you have a charger that stays put, you don’t know what God has done for you. My charger’s cord is bad , so, I spend at least 15 mins twisting, bending and trying to adjust my phone to charge. After series of trials, I get it. I drop the phone gently so that I do not upset the phone . I  heave a sigh of relief. I go back to my bed to continue watching the show on television. I heard my stomach churn out loud. Eeee.This is wahala o. I am hungry again! Fidelis Paul! You are hungry again! So, I go to my cupboard and I bring out my garri container. It’s remaining just little. I pour out just a little into my cup and pour in some drinking water. I still had some dry fishes in my cupboard. They were from my last visit to my mother in the village. “Fidelis, I know how you feel but everyday, I pray for you. God will do it. So, you haven’t heard from all the places you submitted applications to?” She inquired.

“Mama, most of them required two to three years experience but I just finished from school where do I get the experience from if they do not give me the chance to work.”

“Don’t worry. When you finally get a job, they will pay you in millions. Billions and ‘ Grillions.’ ”

“Amen. I said, even though I know that I’ll have to be a Nigerian senator to get paid in Grillions, if there’s anything like that.

So, I remove one of the fishes and flake it in a plate. Just as  I was ready to start savoring my lunch, nature  calls me. So I rush outside to answer nature’s call. On getting back, I notice that my fishes were gone. I trail a gnawing sound beside my bed and I find a rat devouring my fish. As I reach for it, it flees. However, I do not give up. I scour the room and finally find the rat.

I hold the rat by the tail and smash the stone I use in supporting my door on its head. To further reduce its chances of coming back in an after life, I cut off its tail and throw it in the general dustbin.

As I head back to my room, thoughts begin to flow into my head. Like,  that rat could have been the bread winner of its family. Hustling to get food for its folks but I murdered it in cold blood. But it was a thief! It stole from me! But I have stolen before, nobody killed me. That’s because I stole from my mother not strangers.

What happened to love your neighbor as yourself.? The rat isn’t my neighbor. Besides, you don’t steal from a man that’s broken. You steal from the rich! Does the rat even know, that it’s been a year since I finished my National Youth Service Corps without a job? I’m barely getting by. I am frustrated . I  am broke! But I took a life. Life? It was just a rat!It’s a living thing. Spare me  all these thoughts I killed a rat not a human being.

I enter my room and sit on my bed to proceed to drink my garri but it had swollen up and water had dried up. I open my jerrycan to add more water . I pour the water into a cup and I notice a floating object in the water . I leave my room to get a better view of the object. It is a dead scorpion! Scorpion! I jettison the water and head for the dustbin.

On getting there, someone else had poured a heap of dirt on the rat. I dig my bare hands into the pile of dirt. A neighbor passes and looks at me funny. I find the rat. I Wrap it in a polythene nylon and I dig a hole at my backyard to give it a proper burial. I’m sorry. I manage to say, as I head back to my room.